Monday, December 13, 2010

We send, they send.

After much wondering, I found out today that when we send things to Cam's first mom, our agency then forwards them onto her.  I had always assumed that N & J would have to come by and pick up whatever updates and pictures we sent in.  One of our social workers had emailed me back today about another blog I do, for N & J.  So I took the opportunity to ask her just how the stuff we send make sit's way to Cam's first family.  Seems the agency lets the first family decide how they want to do it:  contact agency, come in pick up; contact agency, have it sent to whatever address they want; or to just hold all correspondence until future notice.

I found out today that N & J have chosen to have everything we send to the agency, sent directly to them.  Not sure why, but this made me incredibly happy and serene.  Perhaps it's because it shows N really does want to know everything about Cam, and might one day want contact.  A few days ago I sent a picture of Campbell on Santa's lap and an ornament with her hand print and picture.  It didn't occur to me until just yesterday I should have sent a card too. 

So I mentioned that the SW had gotten back to me about my other blog.  I keep a blog of all things Campbell, so that her first family can keep up with her happenings and goings on.  The agency didn't think it was a good idea at this point to give them the blog address, that it may be overwhelming right now, and to wait until a more specific pattern of sharing has been set.  Makes sense.  So whenever I get word they are ready, the blog will have been in motion and they can catch up.

I've had people ask me why I bother making the effort to reach out to people who gave their child up for adoption.  It used to piss me off that anyone would even hint that it wasn't worth my time or effort.  Then it occurred to me, I am immersed in adoption.  I chose to educate myself on the ins and outs.  I am not, by any means, and authority on it, but I am more knowledgeable that the average Joe on the street.  I have found myself being an educator, and advocate.  Some days it's exhausting, others I feel blessed to be able to share  what I have learned and what we are living.

Why do I bother?  Because the 10 month old human being sleeping upstairs in my home deserves to know where she comes from.  Cam's past does not belong to me, it belongs to her.  How she came into this world is not a story I can tell.  I can tell her some facts, which were only relayed to me.  I cannot explain why she has such perfect lips, or why she favors perching on one foot and a knee over just sitting or standing.  As she grows older, I won't be able to answer even more questions.  Questions that I had/have about myself, but can ask my biological mother because she's right down the street.  It's also for N & J.  They brought this amazing little baby girl into this world, whatever the circumstances are that had them place her, they still deserve to know Campbell.  I do not know what it is like to have a child in this world, and not have contact with them.  For me, it would be unbelievably cruel to keep that information from N & J. 

A caveat:  as far as I know, N & J do not pose any threats to Campbell's safety.  If that were ever the case, steps would be taken on my end to protect Cam.  There are some hard truths about her adoption story, and again, it's her story.  I just hope I am up to the task of helping her through those difficult parts, and that N & J can help as well.  My only fear is that I will push too hard for something Cam doesn't want.

So a week or so before Christmas, I am feeling hopeful that our adoption will continue to open up and be strong and healthy.  That just may be my Christmas wish. 


  1. When I started in the open adoption route, I was always amazed when adoptive parents were excited that a birth mom was participating. But of course the reason we all put in the effort - so our children can get answers about their whole story - would be just as important if not more for the adoptive parents.

    I am always interested in the idea of whether a child would want an open adoption. As a child there were many things (from eating vegetables to having to be on the swim team) that I didn't think I wanted, but in the end, I'm glad my parents made me continue with it. I think if you believe in this open adoption and the amazing things that can come from it, that you should have faith in your decisions to pursue it. Even if there are times where it seems like Cam doesn't want it (I've seen a lot of talk about kids asking hard questions around the age of 4 or 5), as long as it's not hurting her, I do think when she's fully grown she will thank you for pushing through the hard times and making it work.

    And I hope your Christmas Wish comes true this year.

  2. thanks for the comment, racilous. I think my apprehension about Cam not wanting contact comes from how I HATED having to spend time with my biological Dad. He and my parents divorced when I was a baby, and he was just an irresponsible flake who was never on time and kept me waiting when I could be outside with friends. My mom forced me to go, and her mantra to this day is (in a very martyred voice) "I thought I was doing what was best."

    Knowing what I know, I will be super vigilant about Cam's feelings and how she handles things. I am really getting the cart ahead of the horse though, we've only had one letter. I am already thinking about