Saturday, December 18, 2010

Not the smartest move.

A few months back I posted about how I was diagnosed with ADHD this year, and that I had tried several medications.  Well, those tries seriously sucked.  Sucked to the point I was all "fuck this", and had written off my Psychiatrist.  It took me a few months and some cajoling form my therapist, but I went back, and agreed to a fourth medication.  This time, we hit pay dirt.

Having thought for several years that one of my (many) problems might be ADHD, I often wondered and fantasized...well, until something else flitted through my brain...what having focus might be like.  So, I pinned all my hopes and thoughts on what I thought it would be like if my ADHD were treated with medications.  Now, with some distance from the first three drugs, and with the fourth working very well, I can say what I thought I knew was wrong.  I thought straight, unmitigated focus would be my savior.  In reality, what my new medication has done for me is given me motivation.  It's as if all the ideas and thoughts in my head can now see the light of day, before they were stuck in an ever-lasting vortex of chaos and confusion.  Nothing ever got done, unless it REALLY interested me, and then it got done...until I lost interest.  Follow-through is something I am not good with.

Now it's as if the swirling vortex has slowed down a bit, just a bit.  But the bit allows me to get things done.  In a round-about way, I guess I have achieved a measure of focus, just not in the ways I expected.  I still get very distracted when doing things that hold no interest to me, the big difference is I will KEEP DOING IT because I am motivated to see it through.  One of the things I was confused about with the other drugs is that they all seemed to give me, what I liken to doing a few lines of cocaine, an energy that was hard to contain.  Since hyperactivity can be reversed with using stimulants, my brain reasoned that I would not feel so energized, just hyper-focused.  Boy, was I wrong.

This is where i get to the part of not being very smart.  The drug I am taking happens to have some unfortunate side-effects, and a possibility for being abused.  Now, I am an admitted recovering alcoholic.  I have addiction issues, issues with loving things that are usually not good for me.  I first noticed how having all this extra energy was effecting me.  Our house has never been so clean.  Projects I dithered with for YEARS got done in hours.  My to-do list is being whittled down, so I find myself energized with nothing to do.  Being on some ADHD forums, I had read that people frequently taken their meds during the week when they needed ot be at the top of their game, but didn't take them on weekends.  So when I first started taking the new stuff, I backed off on the weekends.  Then my addict brain rationalized to me "why not take it on weekends?  you could be more productive then too."  Hmmm.  Good point!  SO, I happily started taking them 7 days a week and all was great.

Until my dumb ass did not realize that 1) the prescription was running low; 2) I had no refills; 3) and my doc works odd hours.  By low, I mean I had three days left.  So I called my doc, left a message on Monday.  He wouldn't be in the office until Thursday.  Then the pharmacy would not have the meds until after 1500 on Thursday.  I had no meds on Thursday, and I was fit to be tied.  Poor Rob worked from home that day.  The agitation, anxiety, and just general shit-headedness I was experiencing was not fun...for anyone involved.   To top it off, it snowed that day, leaving me stuck in the house with a very bored, grumpy, whiny Cam.

Lesson learned.  I have marked it on my calendar.  I am reminding Rob to remind me.  I set a reminder on my phone.  I also learned that when I forget my ADHD meds, I want to rip Rob's arm off and beat him with it when he repeatedly sighs in disgust when I have snapped at him for asking stupid questions.  I bet it's a lesson he has learned to.

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