A journey through transracial adoption, motherhood, alcoholism, and the rest of it.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
A perfect storm.
It's the whining. The whining is going to be the death of me. Or I will succumb to a broken neck at the bottom of a flight of stairs, when I try to carry too much stuff at once. I bet both will happen at the same time.
Cam has two teeth coming in, bringing her set up to 14 (I think). Her daddy is away on business. "15 months is just so haaaaaardddddd." At least that is what I imagine Cam would say if she would just speak already. She's been an angry little beast of a baby/child the last few days. And I am worn. The. Fuck. OUT.
There have been only a few rare thoughts of going back to drinking since I quit (almost!!!) four years ago. I had one of those moments yesterday as Cam caterwauled through Gymboree and then the entire length of our mall. I finally was THAT mother that was getting the stink eye from passersby and shoppers. I was one minute into my reverie of sale goods ($12.99 or UNDER for everything in the store!!!) that Cam let lose the first shot across my bough. A whine. Then louder. Then she went from 2 to 100 in a split second, culminating in a thrash (while strapped into her stroller) that lit my fuse FAST.
I bent down to give her a snack. Food always works. Yup, I use food to keep my kid quiet, because it works. Except this time it didn't. I then rummaged through my bag to find the really good snacks...the yogurt melts. She literally kicked them out of my hand, and she meant to do it. I unstrapped her while I hissed "this is bullshit Campbell...stop it!"
Okay, not mother of the year material. Did I mention that my kid who used to sleep for 14+ hours a night and goes to bed without a peep is now refusing sleep and waking EARLY? So early I am not even awake, and have to endure a shower while she's in the bathroom throwing things at me and screaming? No? Okay then, the hissing is was far better than what my malevolent heart wanted to do.
I figured out that what she wanted? All she wanted? Was to be held. Sweet, right? Right. If she didn't keep lunging for the floor, but arching/screaming/hitting/kicking when I attempt to give her what she wants. The lump of a sales lady kept cutting her eyes at me, so I gathered the two items I had time to size and went to pay. Another round of torture for Cam, as I pulled out my wallet and refused to hand my credit cards and cash over to her. Something we go through every time we shop. And we shop a lot. Except this time she pulled an honest-to-dog tantrum right there in the store. Laid on the ground and started shrieking. I had to put her down, because the BITCH sales lady sees me struggling mightily, and says snidely "you need to sign the little box so I can finish THIS". SAY WHAT??? She just saw that I had no compunction about cussing at my toddler daughter, did she think I would let that pass?
"Excuse ME?" Standing fully erect, not even fooling with the kid on the floor any more, I must have had that "I fucking dare you." look on my face, because even Cam fell silent.
"um....could you please sign...."
I snatched the pen thingy and stabbed at the computer gizmo, not taking my eyes off her. And then I said it:
"Do you have children?"
long pause........"no." Submission.
I got my bag of fantastically reduced goods, picked Cam up off the floor, and dragged my empty except mother's-lode-of crap stroller out into the mall proper. Where Cam decided Mama wasn't really that stressed, so picked back up where she left off. Because I parked in a nice shady garage at the complete opposite end of the mall, everyone within that mall heard my child scream as if lit on fire. The whole way there.
Soon as we got to the car, I unstrapped her and picked her up, it got very quiet. Within the same breath as screaming she started laughing and babbling and pointing and clapping. I moved to put her in her car seat, and the third verse was the same as the first. At that point, I loaded up all the gear and turned the car on to get the AC roaring. I then shut all the doors and stood outside and counted over 100. Which is when the urge for a drink hit.
Thankfully it left just as quickly as it came. But when my mother asked if Cam and I would like to join her and one of her friends for dinner last night I jumped at the chance. When she said "we drink wine...." I had to mull that one over. Normally I would have said "no thanks" right away. I ended up saying "no thanks", it just took a bit longer.
And as if the universe really HATES me, as I write this, I look over and there is my baby, on the monitor. Screaming her fucking head off. Thanks for that 45 minute nap, Cam.
Oh, and Rob says he's only on this business trip to look pretty. Meaning he's bored, and has nothing to do. No real work. I want to slap him.