I never knew how fast 30 days could go by when I was in my first year of recovery. It wasn't so much that I struggled so hard to stay sober that first year, I just remember thinking it took a long time to count down the next thirty days.
Cam is 7.5 months old. She is our first and only child, and as such, is the center of our universe. Or, at least mine. Can't speak for Rob. In the past ten days or so she has gotten two teeth, can nearly stand on her own, is doing a sort of crab-walk crawl, and finally slept through the night last night. She clearly knows her name, has proven she understands some commands "sip? bite? stand?", and is genuinely showing preference for one of the dogs and a cat.
Milestones. They are blowing by so fast. I went in several times last night to stare at her while she slept. Our child is a restless sleeper. We brought her home at 17 days old, from the moment we put her in the bassinet, she would inch her way around it. I watch her now on the video monitor, and she is never in the same place when I look back. Last night, while watching her, she was rocking back and forth, like she does, clearly asleep, clutching her blanket. Like a big kid. My heart about exploded.
When people tell you it goes fast, they aren't lying. I get stopped daily when she is with me, people coo over her then tell me to enjoy it, their child is (5...10...24) and that they miss their babies. I enjoy Cam everyday. She's easy to love and cherish. Adoption brought our baby girl to us, and we are still amazed that we get to parent THIS child. Leaving the hospital with her, I hopped in the back next to the car seat, and looked at my husband in awe: "they gave us a baby". In a reverent tone, he said back: "they gave us a baby". We would say that to each other as short-hand for: "wow, can you believe we are parents?! How did this happen so fast? This little human is beyond comprehension."
I can't think of how truly blessed I am with this child and husband without thinking about how my sobriety is the key to it all. This life I lead. The places I have come from and places I will go, with my daughter looking to me, wouldn't be possible without sobriety. Sometimes I like to think my sobriety is a separate part of me, apart from Rob and apart from Cam. After all, I don't take them to meetings, they've met only a handful of people that have touched my life in the past three years. It struck me hard last night watching Cam sleep: she wouldn't be here if I were still drinking, and it felt like someone had punched me straight in the gut. Absolutely took my breath away that there was a possibility in an alternate universe where I wouldn't be parent to THIS child.
So for today, I mark Cam's sleeping through the night in her baby book, but I also make note that today I am sober. Milestones, I guess we both are blowing through some.