A taste of two.

This weekend we kept a friend's baby while she was away playing Army.  We didn't keep him at night, just during the day.  I slept like a dead log last night.  Keeping Cam from savaging the baby (6 months) was a full-time, two-person operation yesterday, but today she gave up the fierce attacks and settled for surly attitude.  Still a two-person operation, and I still feel more tired than ever, but I saw that I may not be so crazy thinking about adding a second little human to our family.  Maybe.

Part of today's festivities included a bowling party for a four year old.  Cam's first taste of bowling:

Almost there.

Our social worker came today.  It was just supposed to be a training class make-up, as we missed a PRIDE class when we were on vacation in September.  Seems our home study is done, except for the inclusion of our references.  Those meetings will be held early next week, to which our SW thinks she will have it written up and done before the holiday.  Then we just need to wait on the interim-head of resource homes to sign off, and we will be licensed.

Holy crap!

When we completed our adoption home study, almost exactly two years ago, we were told a one to three year wait.  We a less than 2 month wait.  We were shocked beyond comprehension at how fast we became parents.

Now, our SW told us, before I even asked, that because we want children between 0-2, we will be waiting a long time.  She then said we could use other agencies to find placements that young.  That second bit surprised me, in a good way.  The first part, I have to laugh, because of Cam.

Part of me thinks we will have a placement before Christmas.  And I AM a betting woman.

It has to be done.

Back in August I started writing out Cam's adoption story.  It was an idea I had after reading some things on adoption.com, about getting a will done and making sure to pick good guardians.

I got to writing in earnest, describing why we chose adoption, our venture into IVF, what agency we used, even what criteria we picked about what kind of situation we would accept.  I pasted in all the emails I exchanged between our social worker, some of which were difficult to read, as Cam's story has lots of twists and turns.

For whatever reason, I put the project aside and pretty much forgot about it until this week.  I suppose what precipitated my picking it back up, was joining my mom at her lawyer's office so that I could be made her power-of-attorney.  All of the sudden a fire has been lit up under my ass, and I am very close to being done with the story.

Except that I am not sure where it ends.  Does it ever really end?  Can I put a date on it and lock it up in our safety deposit box and forget about it?  I have been sitting in Starbucks for three hours.  Two of those hours I have been screwing around on the internet trying to decide if I need to include more.  When I think about the possibility of Rob and I both dying, and leaving Cam parent-less...again, I get all choked up.  She lost her first parents when they made the adoption plan.  If something happens to Rob and I, that would be two huge losses.  Because of that I am having a hard time wrapping up the "ending".

And perhaps Starbucks was not the place I should have gone to write something so filled with emotion.  Or that I chose the day I am overly hormonal thanks to PMS.  I should have brought my own box of Kleenex, as I have practically emptied Starbucks' napkin holders.  Not much of a choice, because there is no way I could have stayed at home and been afforded the solace in which to write.

When I have told people what I am doing, they think it's great...but morbid.  For whatever reason, I am not at all bothered by the fact of my mortality.  I just hope it doesn't happen with Rob.  Because choosing an decent set of parents to take our place?  Impossible.

Before Cam, I would have easily picked three couples to name.  Now, seeing those same three couples in light of their parenting choices?  Oi vey.  Add to that the special consideration of what adoption means, and add to THAT, what it means to parent a child of color.  My mind splits in agony at the thought.  My one motion towards that area is to put a book in my Amazon wish list: In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends.

So, mortality is not a problem for me, making sure that after I am dead my kid knows how cherished and loved she was and finding suitable stand-in parents is.  

Responsibility is a bitch.

Love the leaves, love the weather.

Cam looks a little..."off", and by all accounts, she has been today.  It did not stop me from hustling her whiny ass out of the house for our weekly walk in the woods.  I joined a mommas group last spring, and have been whiling away my stay-at-home hours with some pretty fantastic ladies.  It could be that this group keeps me from losing my mind.

And on such a beautiful morning, who could resist a walk?

Forgiveness.

A good topic for any day.  I have been keenly interested in the subject for the past few months, but a bit of serendipity pushed me toward it in a good way.  My church (Unitarian Universalist) had a sign-up sheet a few months ago for classes.  My eyes zeroed in on "anger", "frustration", and "management".  I signed up without fully reading what I was signing up for.  I just knew my ass had a problem with the first two issues, and was hoping the third would get it under grips.

Imagine my surprise on the first evening of the class when I was presented with a book on forgiveness.  Surprised, but intrigued I took a copy and promised to pay my $12 at the next class.  The book is fantastic.  Admitting full disclosure, I have been remiss in doing my homework.  I "cram" by going to class an hour early so I can read the chapter we will discuss that night.  I am a terrible procrastinator, and I have found that there is really not enough time in life to read all the books I want to read.  So I have about 8 books, most of them for AA sitting in my book bag or on my bedside table, that I read semi-regularly.

I struggle with forgiveness, much as I believe a lot of people do.  It is essential for a happy heart, I am learning.  Being that I have major trust issues, and all of them stem from my childhood, this class is at least opening the door of my heart.

One benefit, I was able to spend a good portion of yesterday with my mother, and just...be.  Not get angry.  not get frustrated.  I didn't let myself get triggered by comments or look at all the things SHE does wrong.  Not to say I have wiped the slate clean, or forgiven, per say.  More like I have started to understand, the once (highly!) irritating, "she did the best she could" mode of thought.  Work with my AA sponsor has also helped take the edge off my control issues, so that I am not so quick to judge or lash out.  Learning that i cannot control anyone else has been a long, slow, painful process.  This class in forgiveness also helps me in that process.

A roundabout way of saying forgiveness is good.  Not an easy undertaking (again, great book), but the fruits of the labor or worth it.

Have you been forgiving lately?

We are getting there.

Got a call from our social worker yesterday.  We got the most excellent news that we do not have to make up a class we missed while we were on vacation in September.  SW will be coming to our house to review the materials, and to chat with us about the home study, which should be done by the end of the month.  So it's all coming together, and I am extremely excited and a little bit nervous.

We could be licensed by this time next month, and possibly have a placement.  Two under two?  Have I lost my mind?

Parents of the Year award goes to....

Well, it doesn't go to us.

Today, within five minutes of meeting Cam's new speech therapist, I undermined what I thought was an air of superior parenting.  You see, Cam was busy digging through her new play drawers, drawers that at one time belonged to my massive wood TV stand.  My bachelor furniture, if you will.  It has nice, deep drawers that housed 100's of DVD's and CD's.  A few weeks ago I though it would be better used as a sort of toy chest, instead of the dreadful plastic bins I had been using.

Today we were getting acquainted with the speech therapist, and Cam was digging through her new drawer full of plastic jewelry, I noticed some had slipped behind the drawer.  I fished out a few bracelets I hadn't seen in a week or so, and then I grabbed hold of something small, almost credit card sized.  As I pulled it out to examine it, I realized, "Oh shit. Fuck me."

Sitting in my hand, was a pack of rolling papers.  I kind of chuckled and said "another life".  The therapist wouldn't meet my gaze.  I figure she must not have had the kind of recreational, relaxing nights I did.

All I can really say is it really was (what seems to me) a lifetime ago, and at least it wasn't the kind bud itself.